This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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