you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
