I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
