1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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