don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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