I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
