That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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