ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
