I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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