I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
