i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
