She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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