life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just cropdusted the office
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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