i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I intend to get homeless drunk
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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