miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dick very happy bro
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
