I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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