i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
