It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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