now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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