Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
