I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
