imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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