I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
