Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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