What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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