apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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