Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
