I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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