Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
