if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
