he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
