DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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