We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
BRING THE BAGELS
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
