im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The uberlube is also flammable
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
