I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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