i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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