I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
