So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
