I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
