One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
