I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
