don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
