the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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