everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
