As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
