If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize