He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
