lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
