just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
