Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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