So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Im part way to drunk.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
