why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
