p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I need to stop coming to work sober
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
