If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
