You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
