I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
