Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
