I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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