Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
