She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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