I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
