You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
